Title: Discipline with Love
Category: Positive Parenting
Corporal punishment has been a traditional means of providing discipline
in our society in past years. The
Bible, in Proverbs, does speak of using the rod to set limits and of teaching a
child in the way he should go so that when he is old he will not depart from it.
I am certainly a Christian, a Catholic and a believer in the teachings of
the Bible. I interpret these quotes
in a broad sense, however, and do not believe God wants us to physically strike
our child unless it is a last resort and is done compassionately, gently, and
appropriately for the child's age. I
just think common sense and lots of research in the past twenty years has taught
us that there are more effective ways to discipline to teach our children the limits and guideline
they need.
My favorite form of discipline for toddlers is to use
"time-outs". This worked
for all three of our kids who are age 16, 13 and 9 and allowed me to minimize
the times I actually lost my cool and did strike them on the buttocks or
fingers, in anger, to teach them they had gone too far.
By sending a child to his room or a designated place for about one minute
per year of age, up to five minutes for a child five years or older, you
reinforce the idea that you mean business, that they've crossed that magic line,
that they've willfully defied what you told them not to do.
This short one to two minutes for a toddler is generally enough to stop
them from their mischief and if you repeat it enough times will usually
extinguish their undesired behavior. For
some strong-willed children, however, it will take the patience of Job on the
parent's part.
Other means of reinforcing your discipline could be positive
reinforcement for minimizing undesired behavior or other negative reinforcement
such as withdrawing a privilege, not getting to go to the candy store, the
movie, or the ball game, or whatever you feel is appropriate and works for your
child. The important thing overall
in any form of discipline is to be fair, appropriate, and consistent.
This is especially important for mom and dad as a couple to agree on and
follow-up on together. If dad is
always the fall guy but he's never home and mom simply puts off discipline until
dad comes home, it's hard to get a consistent regular message to your children.
It is much more ideal if mom and dad equally share in the discipline and
administer it right on the spot when a child needs it.
As children become older the appropriateness of spanking, in my opinion,
decreases significantly and I particularly hate to see parents spank older
children such as junior high and high school age children.
I think at this age they are best served with withdrawal of privileges or
again using positive reinforcement for minimizing undesired behavior.
Whatever mix works for you is fine as long as you stick by it and remain
consistent. For my daughter who is
sixteen and driving, taking away her "wheels" is a very effective way
of limiting any undesired behavior which we have taught her not to do.
For our thirteen year old, not getting to go to a desired movie or out to
spend the night is all it takes to get her attention and limit her undesired
behavior. For my nine year old son,
not going to a sports event or not getting to watch TV is more than enough to
limit any of his undesired behavior. Let
me say that all three of my children have been wonderful to raise and I've
really not had to use these negative reinforcements very often.
I think the best discipline of all is "preventive" discipline.
This means good positive loving parenting with lots of time shared as a
family, lots of traditions established, lots of daily praying and playing and
loving each other, eating supper together, if possible, eating breakfast
together, in other words, really sharing life as a family.
BIBLICAL REFERENCES:
PROVERBS 22:6 -
Train
up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from
it.
PROVERBS:29:15
-
The
rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to
his mother.
PROVERBS:
13:24 -
He
who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him
diligently.
BOOK
REFERENCES:
1.
GROWING WISE IN FAMILY LIFE, Charles R. Swindoll
2.
A. HOW TO REALLY KNOW YOUR CHILD; B.
HOW TO REALLY LOVE YOUR CHILD, Dr. Ross Campbell
3.
CHRISTIAN PARENTING MAGAZINE, to subscribe call (503)549-8261
4.
HOW TO DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE, Dr Fitzhue Dodson